I took a few days off from writing the blog, because I needed to concentrate on some changes in the work portion of my life. When I started thinking about what the next topic would be for my blog, I tossed around a few things, at first I thought I would talk about change and I decided against that, I figured I should blog about something that was important to others even though it really never was something that found a place in my life story. The discussion of “Coming out of the Closet” is something that I just don’t, as a gay man, relate to, it wasn’t at all something I struggled with or even thought about ever. As will always be the case with these blogs I want to be very clear in saying, this is my story, these are my words, my life started different than anyone else and all the chapters that make it up are also different. I truly do not recall every saying to anyone,”that I was gay”, at least not in the tone that would portray having gone through any deep internal discussion. Looking back I imagine it was obvious that I was gay, but who knows, I was lucky it wasn’t a struggle so I can’t honestly tell you whether it was obvious or not. A lot of people did very important things to get the Gay community where we are at this point, and I am grateful, but for me it was never important, in fact it seemed a bit silly to say the words,”I am gay” in reference to having to make someone else comfortable. Being who I am on a daily basis has so much more to it than the one aspect of who I choose to sleep with and be intimate with, that until it is brought up by someone else, I can say I hardly even attach myself to it.
Knowing this or finding this out about me, has most definitely made some folks in the gay community come at me with some harsh remarks. But the prime directive in my life, is to be true to who I want to be and to be completely in-tune with what my reality will encompass. But not having that phrase to categorize myself , always stirs up a intense amount of scandal. For me having the discussion of what my sexuality is, well, no ones business. I never once have asked my hetero-friends, when they knew they were straight. I have never been to a hetero- pride parade. I am fairly sure my hetero-friends celebrate who they are on a daily basis and that is how I choose to celebrate or not celebrate. Don’t misunderstand, I enjoy the festivities of Pride parades and all the new people I get to meet, but for me I can get the same feeling while hanging out at a coffee shop or really anywhere that I can meet new people. I personally find the events to be great for the people who feel differently than I do and I am glad those people have these opportunities but Pride can pass on my calendar without me feeling any amount of loss. When I first mentioned at the beginning of this blog that I was tossing different topics around, for me the topic of change had a direct correlation to the topic of “Coming Out of the closet”.
I feel the same way today as I did when I was a teenager, I like men, I did then and I have continued to like men into my forties. I dated girls in junior high and into high school, but even back then I knew what I wanted and who I was, the natural journey that I went on was something I made conscious efforts to encourage. I could easily wake up tomorrow and decide it is time to date women, and that comment, I have no doubt will strike a different chord with each person who reads it. Here is my “Coming Out” story….I was born, I was raised by my parents and during that time I was gay. For me and for my life story it is that simple. Society plays a part in so many people’s decisions to do this or be that, and I can’t act like I am immune to societies influences, but I truly feel like I am who I am, good or bad, gay or straight, because I make decisions to drive my life a certain way. I love my community, I love that I am gay but I would love the same community and love myself the same amount if I decided to change my sexual orientation. As I finish this blog, it dawns on me a bit that my views will come across as a little rude and maybe even a tad bit pompous, well for the people who will be angry after reading this entry, all I can say is the men in my bed have no connection to the thoughts that come out of my brain and vice versus.
Clicking my heels till it is blogging time again,